if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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