No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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