u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
