dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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