If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
