Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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