I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
