they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My dick has a subreddit
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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