I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
