is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
