Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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