if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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