Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
