I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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