I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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