Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
