I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
