I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
