just tell him i said nine months
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
