Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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