I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
