I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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