After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were destined to go to rehab together
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
