They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
