I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
