i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
