this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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