my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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