Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
