Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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