Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I will pee on everything he values.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
