why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
