my phone needs a breathalizer
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
