At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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