this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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