His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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