Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well I just put wine in my tea
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
