Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
