Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
