She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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