You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
