my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
