i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
