its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
