Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
