2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
