Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
