Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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