Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
