I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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