I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
