Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
