he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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