nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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