I have demons in me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
