shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
