70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
