Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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