i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
