you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
