If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
