Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
